He Sees Things Differently..

He sees things differently than most of us! If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite comic scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

Here are some of his gems:

  • – i’d kill for a nobel peace prize.
  • – borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
  • – half the people you know are below average.
  • – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • – a conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • – a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • – if you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
  • – all those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
  • – the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • – i almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… but she left me before we met.
  • – ok, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • – how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • – if everything seems to be going well, you have
    obviously overlooked something.
  • – depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • – when everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • – ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • – hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  • – i intend to live forever… so far, so good.
  • – eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • – what happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • – my mechanic told me, “i couldn’t repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder.”
  • – why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
  • – if at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • – a conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • – experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • – the hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • – to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • – the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • – the sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • – the colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • – everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
  • – if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Thanks, Tom Graham

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