Global Threat Levels

A contact of mine in the intelligence community has just sent me a confidential message
which I felt should be passed on to all of you. This is not from WikiLeaks.


Global Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore
raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may
be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a
“Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.
They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line
of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from
“Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military
Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform
and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried
about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the
old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies
“just in case”.

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing
defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope
Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright,
mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled” So far no situation has ever warranted
use of the final escalation level.

This is FYEO (for your eyes only), do not inseminate.

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