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ObamaGolf…

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1’s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer)

But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don’t believe this…

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income…..

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

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Frank and Joe, Golf Forever…

Two 85-year-old men had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Joe visited him every day. One day Joe said, “Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf there.”

Frank looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, “Joe, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Joe, Joe.”

“Who is it,” asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Joe — it’s me, Frank”

“You’re not Frank. Frank just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Frank,” insisted the voice.

“Frank, Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Frank. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Joe.

“The good news,” Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, “is
that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. ” And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

“That’s fantastic,” said Joe “It’s beyond my wildest
dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in my foursome this Saturday”

Life is uncertain – Eat dessert first!!!

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Just a Little Golf Levity…

Just a little golf levity…..

Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind … (he’s probably always on time delay these days).

Feherty Quotes:

“Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

Jim Furyk’s swing “looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

Describing VJ Singh’s prodigious practice regime – “VJ hits more balls than Elton John’s chin.”

“That’s a great shot with that swing.”

“It’s OK – the bunker stopped it.”

At Augusta 2011 –
“It’s just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.”

“That was a great shot – if they’d have put the pin there today.”

“Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”

“That green appears smaller than a Pygmy’s nipple”.

Tha..tha..thas all folks!

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Learn New Golf Term

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so
large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a
by-product is methane gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
instruction ‘Stow high in transit’ on them, which meant for the sailors
to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came
into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ‘S.H.I.T’ (Stow High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word, neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

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Wife’s Diary vs. Husband’s Diary


Wife’s Diary:


Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it.


Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.


I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.


On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’


When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.


About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.


My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep…..


Husband’s Diary:


A five putt…who the hell five putts?


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Golf And What It All Means

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good
bottle of beer.


Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. You turn the
body half a circle to make the ball go straight. And the lowest score wins.


And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul
balls.


If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your
life is in trouble.


Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.


The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’


A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.


An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.


Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every
green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really play like a pro.


If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.


Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.


David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex……

  • #10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
  • #09…. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
  • #08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
  • #07… Foursomes are encouraged.
  • #06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
  • #05…. Three times a day is possible.
  • #04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
  • #03… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
  • #02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

    And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

  • #01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it..

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